Don't Know What You've Got Until It's Gone

Thursday afternoon I had an appointment at the OB's office for my routine monthly checkup at 10 weeks 3 days. My doctor had to do a sonogram to find the baby's heartbeat since it was still kind of early to pick it up on the Doppler. I knew something was wrong during the sonogram because it took way to long, and neither the doctor or the nurse said a thing. Again, I knew something was wrong, but didn't want to say anything in case I was just being over reactive. My doctor turned off the machine, the nurse gave me a quick smile then turned on her heels and left the room. Then my doctor looked up at me and said he was sorry, but there wasn't any heartbeat. What was I supposed to say to this? I told him I thought something was wrong since he was taking so long and no one was saying anything, he responded that he liked to be sure in a cases like this. He said there wasn't any heartbeat, the baby was only measuring at nine weeks, and it looked like the sac was starting to pull away from the uterine wall. I had no spotting, no cramping, and after four textbook easy, complication free pregnancies this was really the last thing I was expecting. I was able to keep it pretty much together in the office and didn't totally loose it until I was in the car on the way back home.

I knew Vince would be upset. He was the one who was so happy and excited about this baby. I was never able to move past uncomfortable and trepidation, so my emotional reaction to all this has surprised me. My brain knows that these things are quite common, and that there isn't anything I did wrong. But a part of me feels like God knew I was nervous about a fifth baby at this point, and maybe he said, "What you don't want him/her? Fine, I'll take him/her back". Again, my brain knows this isn't right, but it's a hard feeling to shake. I'm also surprised at how strongly I can mourn over the loss of a baby that I never got to hold, never got to see, and never realized how much I already loved. Vince says he wonders how he can miss someone so much that he never even knew.

Since the baby is still hanging in there, and my body hasn't kicked in yet, I have another OB appointment next week. The doctor said he could prescribe something that would cause my uterus to contract and possibly move things along or he could do a D&C. I'm not comfortable with either option, so we're in the wait and see period. I asked how long we could wait before taking more aggressive action if my body never does kick in, and he said they could wait up to four weeks. So the physical part of this may be all over with quickly, or it could be pretty drawn out. The emotional part of this? Who knows.

I'm sure there is a lesson in all this, and all things happen for a reason, but at this point I failing to see what that is.